coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
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Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?