still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
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I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
🖤✌🏽
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING