ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.