*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
You Might Also Like
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Pretty much! 😂👀
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?