I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.