him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
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I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
When you let grandma cat sit
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok