Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no