Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir