As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
same vibe as tangled headphones
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
WHY would you be happy about this?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.