My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone