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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.