All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
You Might Also Like
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.