Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
*lint rolls you awake*
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
reviewed some movies recently
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
This made me chuckle.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?