*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.