i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence