God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else