Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Friday night party time 🥳
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio