Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
This is what makes twitter great
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Running your mouth is not cardio.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site