Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Overindulged this afternoon.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I’m sure it’s fine.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.