dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I’ve had worse
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that