I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The biggest mystery of our time
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no