There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My dog ate my work from home.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?