Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
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Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Follow me for more recipes
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.