If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I know this now 😂
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang