My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
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SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I have two kinds of followers
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.