“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Lucky old June.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.