ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
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Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations