Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
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doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Merica.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.