Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
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I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)