DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
You Might Also Like
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.