co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
You Might Also Like
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal