[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
You Might Also Like
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.