Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
We’re all getting idioter.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you