INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
You Might Also Like
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.