Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.