Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.