I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
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Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
called in thicc to work this morning
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.