(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
kids play hide and seek like
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Thanks to a fan for this one!