The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home