Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him