My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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#MeanwhileInCanada
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
how to have an accident 101