Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
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“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*looks at you in batman voice*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Still cracks me up
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself