[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
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I needed a laugh this morning.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜