M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Sniffing the broccoli
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.