“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
You Might Also Like
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Breaking news:
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.