the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
They got Raph!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
jesus christ confetti not now
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.