Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car