[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My plans: 2020:
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.