We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.