If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.